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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/24654304">Accompaniment</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/Literally_the_sorriest_cop/pseuds/Literally_the_sorriest_cop'>Literally_the_sorriest_cop</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Disco Elysium (Video Game)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Angst, Drinking, Hurt, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Sexual Content, Slow Burn</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-06-11</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-06-11</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-04 03:41:30</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Explicit</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>7</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>9,298</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/24654304</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/Literally_the_sorriest_cop/pseuds/Literally_the_sorriest_cop</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>Jean mourning the "loss" of Harry, and perplexed by his feelings about Kim. A slow burn love story.<br/>_________________________________________________________________________________________________________________</p><p>He feels painfully inferior to Kim, yet he can't seem to stop himself from talking to him every chance he can get. His attempts are usually graceless small talk or something mean-spirited and insulting. And      then he berates himself mentally for the next 24 hours until he sees him again.  </p><p>At first he told himself all these talks were to to "study the enemy," to figure out what his "weaknesses" are. To find something to hate about the person who is supposedly better for Harry than him. </p><p>Having found nothing to hate, he isn't willing to explore why he continues to do this.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Harry Du Bois &amp; Jean Vicquemare, Jean Vicquemare &amp; Judit, Kim Kitsuragi/Jean Vicquemare</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>4</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>18</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>1. Chapter 1</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>It was 10am on a Tuesday, and Jean was more hungover than he meant to be. Harry's return to Precinct 41 has somehow made him feel more lonely than when he was gone. Instead of getting his best friend back, he's faced with an imposter. He looks like Harry, he sounds like Harry, but somehow it's not Harry. Every inside joke, every harrowing ordeal they braved together, every case they solved. Jean is alone in remembering all of those things. You don't know how important your memories are, how important remembering little details are, until you can't ask the person who was there with you. Hey, remember that time we...what was that guy's name? And then what did you say?</p>
<p><br/> Jean didn't think there was something worse than Harry telling him to fuck off and then leaving the task force. With that, there was a speck of hope that he'd come around, he'd clean himself up, and it would be business as usual. Pick up right where they left off. He felt ridiculous whenever he had entertained that thought, but it was possible. It never crossed his mind that Harry could be back one day, but not be the same Harry who left. </p>
<p><br/> In some ways it's worse than Harry being dead. </p>
<p><br/> Jean broods about it. Cries about it. Drinks about it.  </p>
<p><br/> When 4am rolls around and Jean has reached the bottom of another bottle, he has a lot to think about. Sometimes he thinks he could have stopped Harry from ending up this way. If he had just been a better friend, a better colleague, a better person, maybe he'd still be riding shotgun in Harry's motor carriage. None of this would have happened. </p>
<p><br/> That's what he was up to last night, which is why he's hungover today. But Harry's amnesia is not the only thing making Jean feel lonely. Harry's new companion, Lieutenant Kim Kitsuragi from Precinct 57, was also a source of emotional turmoil for a number of reasons. </p>
<p><br/> First, Jean felt replaced. </p>
<p><br/> When Kim first transferred and was seen every day with Harry, feelings of hurt surfaced for Jean that he hadn't experienced since he was a teenager. Inadequecy. Betrayal. The pit in your stomach when you find out your friend "ditched" you to hang out with someone better. Harry choosing Kim to be his partner was fucking with Jean's head. </p>
<p><br/> Despite this, he feels no hostility towards Kim. Rather, he is more fascinated by him each day. So serious and professional, but devastatingly cool. Straight-forward, but mysterious. Honest, but secretive. A walking contradiction in a stylish bomber jacket.</p>
<p><br/> The aforementioned inadequacy extends to his fascination with Kim and turns it into something ugly. Another thing to cry about when he drinks. Hostility turned inward. </p>
<p><br/> He feels painfully inferior to Kim, yet he can't seem to stop himself from talking to him every chance he can get. His attempts are usually graceless small talk or something mean-spirited and insulting. And then he berates himself mentally for the next 24 hours until he sees him again.   </p>
<p><br/>  At first he told himself all these talks were to to "study the enemy," to figure out what his "weaknesses" are. To find something to hate about the person who is supposedly better for Harry than him. </p>
<p><br/> Having found nothing to hate, he isn't willing to explore why he continues to do this.</p>
<p>__________________________________________________________________________________</p>
<p> A gulp of water flushes two more painkillers down Jean's throat. Then he and Judit go out on patrol around Jamrock. </p>
<p><br/> Jean sits beside her in the passenger seat, donning dark sunglasses and trying to not draw attention to the way he's rubbing his stomach. He feels queasy. </p>
<p><br/> He often snaps at her when she asks him how he's feeling. Jean doesn't respond well to prodding, no matter how well-meaning or gentle it is. He usually feels bad about it later, but rarely apologizes. He doesn't have the energy, and he's too afraid of it turning into a deeper conversation.<br/> They have an average day of patrolling. Their responses include a domestic dispute, a missing person case (a child who was later found staying with a friend without asking) and helping a store owner file a vandalism report. <br/> On their drive back towards the precinct that evening, Judit breaks the silence.</p>
<p><br/> "I'm really worried about you." She says quietly, already wincing. <br/> Jean sighs. Here we go.<br/> "You can talk to me, Jean. I can tell its about Harry. You've gotten so much worse since he's been back." She continues more boldy, but her voice is soft "I'm your partner. Shouldn't we be on the same page?" <br/> "Not now." Jean mutters in response. He's irritated.<br/> "Then when? When is a good time?" Judit challenges, "Every time I try to talk to you, you shut me down."</p>
<p><br/> Silence fills the cabin. Jean's arms are crossed and and he's gazing out of his window.</p>
<p><br/> "Please, Jean. You can talk to me. I know I'm not Harry, I know that's who you wish you could talk to." There's a hint of sadness in her voice. </p>
<p><br/> Jean feels a lump in his throat. It's true. That's who he could really say anything to. Harry always understood him, no matter how unfair and vindicative he could be, or how loudly he would yell, or how harshly he'd curse. Harry could see right through all of it. <br/> </p>
<p>"Fuck." Jean chokes. He's never been more grateful for sunglasses than right now. His face turned away from Judit, he quickly wipes away the tears from his cheeks before she can see. <br/> "I...I'm sorry. I shouldn't have said that." Judit says gently.<br/> Jean takes a deep breath to steady himself.<br/> "No. It's fine. You're right." His gruff voice says.<br/> Judit glances over at him with surprise.<br/> "I'll try. To talk to you more about it. Just...not today, okay?" It takes a lot of restraint not to snap at her, or be sarcastic. <br/> Judit nods. "Okay." </p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0002"><h2>2. Chapter 2</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>After a disastrous encounter with Kim, Jean finally opens up to Judit.<br/>_______________________________________________________________________________</p>
          </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p><br/>
 It's dark when they arrive back at 41. Jean remains outside to smoke while Judit goes to file their reports. A dim street lamp illuminates the area in front of the precinct door. He decides he should ditch the sunglasses and stuffs them in his breast pocket. He breathes in the smoke deeply and lets it out slowly. That fucking sucked.</p>
<p><br/>
 A minute later, the door swings open and he sees orange in the corner of his eye. Kim is beside him, lighting his own cigarette. </p>
<p><br/>
 "Vicquemare." Kim greets in his polite, professional way.<br/>
  "Hey, Kitsuragi." Jean answers. His heart rate quickens and things seems less terrible than they did a few minutes ago.  </p>
<p> <br/>
  Kim has a concerned expression.</p>
<p> <br/>
 "Did you have any problems today?" He asks calmly, his eyes observing Jean's face and posture.<br/>
 "Problems?" Jean was already distracted by his hangover and his conversation with Judit, but now- now he is distracted by how Kim is effortlessly handsome in the soft glow of the street light. How his personality somehow amplifies his physical features and makes them impossible to ignore. His thin frame beneath the jacket, his slender fingers holding the stick, his soulful eyes that look at him with worry. </p>
<p><br/>
 Oh no, Jean thinks, stop, don't do this. Stop thinking this. Stop *feeling* this.<br/>
 But that never works. Not with the Harry problem, and not right now.</p>
<p><br/>
 "Yes. While you were out today?" Kim follows up, bringing the cigarette to his lips.<br/>
 "Oh. No. No problems." Jean answers quickly. He takes a long drag.</p>
<p><br/>
 Kim looks at him a moment longer, seemingly unsatisfied with that answer. He comes to some sort of conclusion in his mind and turns away. His notebook is snapped open. He holds the cigarette in his lips while he writes. </p>
<p><br/>
 Jean watches him curiously.</p>
<p><br/>
 "You're always scratching away in that thing." Jean grumbles.<br/>
 "I like to make detailed reports. Trying to remember everything wastes time." Kim responds simply, not looking up from his notes. </p>
<p><br/>
 Jean grunts in acknowledgement. His moments alone with Kim are rare. It's a good time to learn more about Kim but initiating conversation is not a strength for him. </p>
<p><br/>
 "So uh, what about you?" Jean tries to ask casually. <br/>
 "Did *I* have problems today? No." Kim looks up from his notes and makes eye contact. "Pretty average day, all in all. We did get a stray dog out of a busy intersection."<br/>
 Jean smiles ever so slightly. A first for the day. "Oh yeah?"<br/>
 "Yes. Harry almost killed himself trying to get to it. He darted right into the street, right in front of a motor carriage." Kim shakes his head, "He said 'What are they going to do, run me over?'" <br/>
 "Fucking moron." Jean says, but his tone is slightly amused. Now that sounds like the old Harry. He's still in there somewhere. <br/>
 Kim pauses, as if he isn't sure if Jean is interested to hear the rest. He continues anyway. "So the motor carriage practically skids to a stop. It nearly causes an accident in the intersection." Kim sounds slightly annoyed, "I have to admit that Harry's gut decision was a good one. He didn't get hit, but that dog definitely would have if he didn't stop traffic when he did."</p>
<p><br/>
 The smoke dances from the end of Kim's cigarette. His eyes glimmer. He exhales a smooth cloud.</p>
<p><br/>
 Jean is captivated for a moment by Kim's voice and his mannerisms and his mouth moving. He wishes he knew the perfect response to Kim's anecdote. Something that would make him laugh. Something he would remember and think about later. Nothing spectacular comes to him.</p>
<p><br/>
 "He's reckless." Jean grumbles disapprovingly.<br/>
 "He is." Kim agrees, "He certainly keeps me on my toes. I literally have no idea what he will do from one moment to the next." Kim says. His tone reflects amusement and a touch of admiration.<br/>
 "So what, you like that? Your partner being careless and unpredictable? You're as crazy as he is." Jean meant it as a joke, but it sounds abrasive and mocking. He regrets it instantly.<br/>
 "Well, I wouldn't say that." Kim's says calmly, "He's more interesting to work with than other partners I've had. That's really all I meant."     </p>
<p><br/>
Jean hates himself. Every time he tries to be himself around Kim he fucks everything up. You stupid, boring motherfucker, Jean beats himself down in his head, Why are you even trying to talk to him? He likes Harry because he's *interesting.* Harry may be a nutcase, but that's better than just being an asshole like you. Go home and drink. That's what you're good at.</p>
<p><br/>
 A stretch of silence followed Kim's response while Jean's thoughts attacked him. </p>
<p><br/>
 Kim clears his throat. "Jean, I can't help but feel like I make you uncomfortable. You've made it clear that Harry having a new partner is difficult for you. I...don't want there to be hard feelings." He is direct and professional in his delivery.<br/>
 "I- uh-" Jean stammers, "N-No. You don't-" Jean presses on his forehead with his finger tips and rubs there, trying to think of what to say. </p>
<p><br/>
 Kim doesn't interrupt. He's closed his notebook politely and is perfectly still. </p>
<p><br/>
 "You don't make me uncomfortable. It's not you at all. It's *him.*" Jean finally says. <br/>
 "So...you're constantly rude to me because you're angry at Harry?" Kim asks dryly.</p>
<p><br/>
 Jean feels hot with embarrassment and panic. No Kim, I'm rude to you because I'm an *idiot,* Jean thinks, an idiot who needs to stop trying to impress you.</p>
<p><br/>
 "I...I should go. Goodnight, Lieutenant." Jean abruptly walks away and turns the corner before Kim can protest. He walks all the way to his apartment, brooding. And then he drank. </p>
<p>__________________________________________________________________________________</p>
<p>The next day, Jean finds himself in the motor carriage with Judit again, patrolling Jamrock. It's mid afternoon and they're parked in a lot in a busy part of town. So far they gave verbal warnings for loitering and Jean harshly gave a teen a fine for riding his bike where he wasn't supposed to be. He's clearly in a mood.</p>
<p><br/>
 Jean was too tired to stay up that late drinking, and in turn is less hungover than he was yesterday. He's wearing his sunglasses today and he's silent most of the ride. His conversation with Kim yesterday has brutalized him. He's so embarrassed he doesn't want to see Kim today, but he knows he will. He dreads it.</p>
<p><br/>
 "Judit." He speaks suddenly, pushing the words out of his mouth before he changes his mind. "Can I talk to you?" </p>
<p><br/>
 Judit's expression is surprised, and then it fades to relief. "Of course."</p>
<p><br/>
 Jean takes his sunglasses off and tosses them on the dashboard. </p>
<p><br/>
 "I can't seem to stop being an asshole around Kim." Jean starts.<br/>
 "I noticed." Judit says with no hesitation.<br/>
 Jean glances over at her, alarmed. "What do you mean, you noticed?"<br/>
 "I mean, you're...rude to pretty much everyone," she avoids repeating 'asshole,' "But you do tend to single Kim out. Making fun of little mistakes he makes, or pointing out what he's wearing, or bringing attention to his habits..."<br/>
 "Shit." He looks back down. "So it's obvious that I do that?"<br/>
 "...yes, Jean. Everyone knows you're..." Judit trails off.<br/>
 Jean glances over at her again. "That I'm what?"<br/>
 "That you're...you know. Jealous. That Kim is working with Harry now. That he thinks Kim is *cooler* than you. We all know you don't like him." Judit admits. </p>
<p><br/>
 Jean runs his fingers through his hair anxiously.</p>
<p><br/>
 "That's not why." He says quietly.<br/>
 Judit looks at him curiously. "What do you mean?"<br/>
 "I mean, it's true...I don't like that Kim is cooler than me. I don't like that Harry doesn't want to work with me anymore." Jean shakes his head slowly. "But...I don't have a problem with Kim. I...I want Kim to like me." <br/>
 Judit is quiet a moment, processing. "You want him to like you? That doesn't make sense Jean."<br/>
 "I know it doesn't make sense." He says bitterly.<br/>
 "I don't think I understand." Judit says softly. "Why be so hostile if you're trying to get him to like you?"</p>
<p><br/>
 Jean rubs his face with his hands, a gesture of weariness.</p>
<p><br/>
 "He's so cool, Judit. He's cooler than me and more interesting than me. He has no reason to want to talk to me. I...I keep trying to, I don't know, joke around with him I guess, but it always goes wrong. I fuck it all up."<br/>
 After a pause, Judit speaks "You seem to be thinking pretty hard about all this." Her tone has gentle implications. It is sensitive and void of teasing. <br/>
 "Yeah, so what?" Jean answers gruffly.<br/>
 "Jean...I've never seen you this worried about what someone thinks of you." Judit says carefully.</p>
<p> <br/>
 Jean does not like where this is going. Hot embarrassment washes over him. He can't look at Judit. </p>
<p><br/>
 "Well, uh," He tries to come up with something quick, "He'll be stuck working with us for a while. I should be more professional." <br/>
 The back of Judit's hand goes to her mouth. She is halting a laugh.<br/>
 "Jean." Her tone is saying, get real. "I've also never heard you say that you need to be more professional." </p>
<p><br/>
 Jean does NOT like this. The conclusion that he's been trying to avoid is coming at him full force. And he needed it to be spelled out for him. </p>
<p><br/>
 "I...I don't know what you mean." He sputters. </p>
<p><br/>
 Judit says nothing. She patiently sits in the silent cabin, giving Jean time to think. Time to squirm. </p>
<p><br/>
 "Okay...I know what you're getting at." He admits quietly. " But it can't be that. I..I've never..." He's mortified to be having this conversation, but he pushes on, "I've never been attracted to a man before, so why now?"<br/>
 "That all works in mysterious ways." Judit says with a shrug. "Maybe you've just never met the right man before." She's thinks for a minute. "Is that why you're so confused? If Kim was a woman would this be less confusing for you? Imagine if you were talking about a woman the way you talk about Kim."</p>
<p><br/>
 Jean's brows are furrowed, his eyes moving in thought. Shit shit shit. She's right. That's really it. There's no denying it.</p>
<p> <br/>
 "So...what do I do?" Jean asks sincerely. <br/>
 "That's up to you. Do you want to pursue this?"<br/>
 "Oh, no way in hell. I can't do that." Jean says quickly, "I wouldn't even know how to approach that one. How do I even know if he's into guys? I've embarrassed myself enough in front of him. I can't take anymore."<br/>
 "So...I'm hearing that you *do* want to, but you're afraid of rejection." Judit says carefully. "What if you started out slow? Instead of asking him on a date, just ask him to hang out with you sometime. Invite him to do something with you." <br/>
 "What the fuck am I going to ask him to do with me, Judit? He's going to think I'm nuts asking him to hang out with me. He thinks I hate him." Jean starts to spiral in panic.<br/>
  "Calm down, Jean. You're overthinking it. I'll make this easy for you." She says calmly. "I don't know much about Kim, but I know he's really into his Kineema. There's going to be a motor carriage showcase this weekend. Invite him to go with you. Tell him that its good for you to be familiar with the latest motor carriage models out there, in case we need another for the precinct. Which we *do,* thanks to Harry."</p>
<p><br/>
 Jean quietly digests this. It's actually...not a bad idea. Hopefully I can get through that activity without deeply insulting him, he thinks. </p>
<p><br/>
 "That's brilliant, Judit. Thank you." Jean says genuinely. "You...really helped me out with this."<br/>
 "It's no problem. And hey, this stays between us, okay? Please don't worry about me spilling it to anyone. I won't." <br/>
 "I know you won't." Jean picks up his sunglasses off the dash and puts them on. "Let's roll. I have fines to write." </p>
<p> </p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0003"><h2>3. Chapter 3</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>Jean asks Kim to the Motor Carriage Showcase.</p>
          </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p> It's Thursday and Jean is nervous as hell. Today is the day he asks Kim on their not-date. His hands are shaking and he can't seem to take a deep breath. He forces himself to walk over to where Kim sits at his desk, busily filling out reports. He waited until no one else was within earshot.</p>
<p><br/> "Hey Kitsuragi." His tone is apologetic. "I don't mean to interrupt you."<br/> "Not at all. What can I do for you?" Kim's tone is polite and friendly, as if nothing had happened.<br/> "Look, I'm going to this thing on Saturday and I thought maybe you'd like to go with me." He tries to ask as casually as possible. His heart hammers in his chest.<br/> "Okay." Kim acknowledges. <br/> "Its a motor carriage show. Our precinct is down one vehicle, as I'm sure you are aware, so I thought it would be good to see what's out there." Jean is proud of himself that he made it through the proposal without saying anything stupid or tripping over his words.<br/> "Sure. I can do that." Kim answers nonchalantly. </p>
<p><br/> Jean is stunned that it was that easy.</p>
<p><br/> "Oh...okay." Jean laughs nervously. He realizes his face is red. "Well, we can meet there if you want I guess, or-"<br/> "It's not a problem for me to pick you up." Kim offers. "Harry said you're at Gardenview Apartments? That means you're a block away from me." Kim smiles kindly.</p>
<p><br/> Jean thinks he might faint.</p>
<p><br/> "Yeah, pick me up, that's good." He says quickly. "I'll see you then."<br/> "Right...what time?" <br/> "Oh, right...it starts at noon. So around then is fine. It'll be going all day." Jean is slightly embarrassed that he forgot to say a time.<br/> "Great. I'll see you then." Kim nods and returns to his report writing. </p>
<p><br/> Jean walks back to his desk feeling dizzy, like he could fall off the edge of the world. </p>
<p>__________________________________________________________________________________   <br/>   <br/>  Saturday couldn't come soon enough. Jean paced around his apartment chainsmoking and watching the clock. He's showered and picked out a button-up that fits him nicely, one that he doesn't wear to work. He rolls up the sleeves, he likes the way it looks. More casual. He doesn't want to dress like he's working, he wants this to feel like a separate thing.</p>
<p><br/> When its 12pm, Jean's stomach was doing backflips. He'll be here any minute. At 12:03pm, his doorbell buzzes. Kim waits for him at the door. He wears a button up as well, but Jean thinks he looks much cooler, much more casual. His attraction to Kim still confounds him, but now that he recognizes it for what it is, he is coming to appreciate Kim's physique more and more. </p>
<p><br/> He tries not to stare on their way to the showcase.</p>
<p><br/> The motor carriage show is set up in a large paved lot on the other side of town. It's comprised partially of private motor carriage owners coming to present their machine, and the other part is new models of motor carriages on display by their respective companies. <br/> Long rows of vehicles string up and down the big lot. Kim seems to be a little more relaxed that he is at work. In fact, Jean thinks he might be having fun. </p>
<p><br/> Jean has to explain that he's not a "motor carriage guy" so to speak, but that he can appreciate the aesthetics. He has to remind himself to look at the vehicles every once in a while instead of staring at Kim.</p>
<p><br/> Kim is more talkative than usual, truly seeming to be in his element. And Jean loves listening to him. He's trying not to speak as much so he doesn't say the wrong thing, but he says enough. Sometimes he asks Kim questions about the carriages so he'll keep going. He feels privileged to have his attention and to hear him say so much.</p>
<p><br/> He can't recall ever enjoying someone as much as he is enjoys Kim right now.</p>
<p><br/> After about three hours, they've seen everything twice and it feels like it's time to leave. </p>
<p><br/> The thought of their day ending so soon fills Jean with emptiness. He needs just a little more time. </p>
<p><br/> Everything is going so well. Kim seems relaxed, and Jean has sworn off making mean-spirited jokes for the time being. To Jean's amazement, he and Kim had several meaningful conversations that felt natural and *good.* He even got a genuine laugh from Kim, without even trying. It made his stomach flutter.</p>
<p><br/>  Ever since he came to terms with his feelings for Kim, his infatuation with him has snowballed. There's no turning back now. He's enamored. How do I tell him? How do I test the waters to figure out if he's interested? </p>
<p><br/> Doubt crept along the edges of his thoughts. What makes you think you're good enough for him? Even if he dated men, why would he want the likes of you? Kim could do so much better. You'd be ruining his life, you'd hold him back. </p>
<p><br/> Jean's stomach hurt. He had to make a decision soon. He can't wait until the next time they're alone to talk about this. It has to be today. </p>
<p> He's terrified.</p>
<p><br/> They get into the Kineema and it roars to life. </p>
<p><br/> "That was fun, Jean. Thank you for inviting me." Kim says with a smile. <br/> "Hey, no problem." Jean barely even heard what he said, "It's still early in the day. I don't know about you, but I'm not busy after this. Would you want to hang out at my place for a bit?" Jean would like to give himself a standing ovation for how smoothly he asked that.</p>
<p><br/> Kim is not able to hide his surprise, but his voice is even. <br/> "Oh. Well. Yes, I can do that. I don't have plans."     <br/> "Cool, cool. " Jean looks out the window. He wants to pump his fists in the air. </p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0004"><h2>4. Chapter 4</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>Kim comes back to Jean's apartment. It doesn't go exactly how Jean planned.</p>
          </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>It's nearly 4pm when they enter the apartment. Jean is so jittery he can hardly stand it. His hands were trembling and his heart raced. He hopes it isn't too obvious.</p>
<p>	Jean has an apartment fairly typical of an RCM officer in the city. It's decent, but small. Kim is immediately drawn to his piano, which is pushed against the wall in what should be the dining room. </p>
<p>	"You have a piano." Kim observes. "...a *nice* piano." </p>
<p>	"Yeah..." Jean rubs the back of his neck and smiles bashfully. Jean loves playing piano. He loves *music.* It's a passion he's never shared with anyone at the precinct. They're a bunch of cops, what do they care if he has a piano?</p>
<p>	Kim hesitates for a moment, and then asks "Do you mind if I...?"</p>
<p>	"Not at all, please." Jean realizes that he should have offered. He uncovers the keys and pulls the bench out. </p>
<p>	Kim sits on the bench and delicately feels along the keys with his finger tips. His posture is perfect but he still looks relaxed.</p>
<p>	It makes Jean's heart flutter. Does Kim love the piano too?</p>
<p>	Kim's fingers move lightly on the keys, a beautiful melody filling the apartment. It's not especially complex but its played well. A practiced song.<br/>
Jean melts. He's standing just behind Kim, watching from over his shoulder. His eyes travel to his shoulders, his neck that's exposed without his jacket. What would he do if I kissed all the way down that neck? Opened that shirt a few more buttons?<br/>
He respectfully shifts his focus back to the song as it's played to completion. Kim softly cracks his knuckles and stands. He smiles warmly at Jean.</p>
<p>	"You play beautifully." Jean says sincerely. </p>
<p>	Kim is caught off guard by the compliment. Color rushes to his ears. </p>
<p>	"Th-Thank you." He looks amused and nervous. "I'm rusty, I haven't played in years. My hands remember that song better than I do. Muscle memory."<br/>
"Could have fooled me." Jean's surprised by his own tone, warm and flirtatious.</p>
<p>	Jean replaces Kim at the bench. "I can play you something. If you want." Jean suggests casually.<br/>
"Sure, I'd like that." Kim says calmly. His eyes are smiling.</p>
<p>	Jean slides himself to one side of the bench, which left ample room for Kim to join him. "Here, sit." Jean's invites, his voice gruff but friendly.</p>
<p>	Kim lowers himself slowly onto the bench and observes Jean with curiosity. </p>
<p>	The song I pick is important, thinks Jean, It's gotta be a good one. He idly hammers a few keys, stalling while he thinks of a song.</p>
<p>	The perfect one comes to mind. It's one of his favorites, and it's a sad one. One he plays a lot when the night is long and he's had too much to drink. </p>
<p>	Jean closes his eyes and starts to play. The slow, emotional chord shifts ring out and echo in the would-be dining room. Kim observes beside him in quiet appreciation, hands folded in his lap. For a few heart-stopping moments Jean needs to reach across in front of Kim to reach a note. The song comes to a dramatic conclusion, and then fades out as Jean's fingers drift across the final keys.  </p>
<p>	Jean's hands shake visibly as he lifts them away from the keys. He hopes Kim didn't notice.</p>
<p>	"That was incredible." Kim says softly. He sounds amazed. "I had no idea you could play like that."</p>
<p>	Jean clears his throat. He blushes strongly and his stomach flutters.</p>
<p>	"Thanks." He manages to say. </p>
<p>	"Is everything okay, Jean? You're shaking." Kim observes calmly.</p>
<p>	Jean laughs nervously and his face feels hot. White hot panic spreads throughout his body. His hands feel clammy. </p>
<p>	"Sure, yeah...I'm just not used to playing for anyone." Jean explains, which is technically true.</p>
<p>	Kim gazes back a moment longer, as if skeptical. Then he changes the subject.</p>
<p>	"I've toyed with the idea of getting a piano myself, but it would take up too much space. And it's a great expense." Kim says, with a hint of regret. He feels along the keys again gently, but not enough to make sound. </p>
<p>	Jean nods in understanding. It does take up too much space, but he didn't care. He couldn't live without it. </p>
<p>	"If I had to buy one, that would have been a lot more difficult. It was my father's." Jean answers stoically. "It *does* take up too much space though."<br/>
After a pause, Jean bravely adds "You know, you can come here and play mine. Any time you want." He glances over at Kim, who still sits beside him on the bench. </p>
<p>	Kim was focused on the feeling of the keys under his fingertips. He pulls his hand back and his eyes meet Jean's. </p>
<p>	"That is...incredibly kind of you. Thank you, Jean." Kim says, his expression unreadable. "I might take you up on that." He smiles politely.</p>
<p>	The two sat in silence for a moment. Jean stands up and offers Kim a drink. He brings ice tea out for both of them and they sit in the living room across from one another in comfortable arm chairs. Jean has a gut feeling that Kim will gracefully announce he's leaving soon. If he wants to talk about anything, now is the time.</p>
<p>	"Hey, today was fun, huh?" Jean starts casually, "Had you been to one of those before?"<br/>
"I have." He answers simply. "You?"<br/>
"No. That was the first one."<br/>
Kim looks at him inquisitively. "So, was this a...peace offering? Inviting me to a motor carriage show?" He's being playful, but the question is a real one.<br/>
"Oh...no, not exactly." Jean feels paralyzed. He wasn't prepared for Kim to put any pieces together. He didn't mention the RCM's need for a new vehicle during their entire outing. Kim must have figured out it wasn't really his motive for going. He's not stupid.<br/>
Kim stares back now, his expression neutral.<br/>
"I just thought we could...get to know each other better." Words spilled out of Jean's mouth. "I...think you're a really cool guy. And I never get to talk to you at work."<br/>
Kim looks perplexed. "Jean, you don't have to do this. I know we got off to a bad start, but that's okay. I can tell you're trying to make up for it now. I appreciate it."</p>
<p>	Jean feels like he's been kicked in the stomach. Kim isn't hearing what he's saying. Is this soft rejection? Is he trying to steer him away from this conversation?</p>
<p>	"No...no Kim you've got it all wrong, seriously. That's not it." Jean sounds slightly more frantic. "I didn't invite you with me just to make up for...being an asshole. I..." Jean squirms. He wants to just say it, but the words are caught in his throat.<br/>
"Jean...relax. It's fine." Kim reassures him calmly. "I'm not insulted. I'm sure you wanted my company as well." He laughs politely, trying to break the tension.</p>
<p>	Jean is speechless. How am I fucking this up so badly?</p>
<p>	"Kim." Jean's tone is sharp. Frustrated. His stress is building into anger. "You're not hearing me. You're not *listening* to me. I *wanted* to spend time with you today. I'm not bullshitting you."<br/>
Kim's eyebrows furrow with concern. "....okay. You wanted to spend time with me." He repeats patiently.<br/>
"Yes." Jean says with emphasis.<br/>
"Well...thank you. I appreciate that you went out of your way to do that." Kim says calmly. </p>
<p>	Jean is so frustrated he could cry. There's no way he's interested, Jean thinks. If he was, he'd be taking these hints. Why does he have to be so distant? </p>
<p>	Okay, new plan, Jean thinks quickly, before I totally blow this whole thing. He takes a deep breath to steady himself.</p>
<p>	"Look, would you want to come over again next week? We could have dinner, maybe have a few drinks...You can show me what else you can do on the piano." Jean's suggestion is smooth, somewhat flirty. He's not sure if that's getting across to Kim. </p>
<p>	Kim hesitates. His eyes search Jean's, clearly trying to read him and get a feel for exactly what is happening here.</p>
<p>	"Yes, sure." He says finally. "I would love to."<br/>
"Great, good." Jean grins and looks away. Alright, I have another shot at this, Jean thinks, I need time to regroup, time to plan. Maybe it'll be easier with a drink in me.</p>
<p>	Kim gracefully announces his departure, just as Jean suspected he would. Kim thanks him again for everything and pulls away in the Kineema. </p>
<p>	Settling back into his arm chair, Jean reaches around back of the chair and grabs a liquor bottle that was hidden behind him. He pours a fair amount into his ice tea and takes a gulp. Today was mostly wonderful, he concludes. The rest of the night he thought about Kim playing his piano, and how that was the most perfect thing he'd ever seen.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0005"><h2>5. Chapter 5</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>A short chapter. Jean tells Judit how things went. She gives some helpful feedback.</p>
          </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>It's Monday again. A new week starting. He hasn't been as depressed now that he has something pleasant to think about and look forward to. </p>
<p>	He's concentrated on filling out a report when Judit is standing in front of his desk. He looks up to see her grinning playfully at him. </p>
<p>	"How was Saturday? You don't seem devastated." She says, her voice low and soft. She is being mindful of his privacy.<br/>	"It was...amazing. He played my piano." Jean says. He immediately felt stupid, realizing Judit wouldn't understand the significance of this.<br/>	"....Is that a euphamism or do you really have a piano?" Judit asks, very straight-faced.</p>
<p>	Jean laughs genuinely. He's normally too irritable to find Judit funny, but that really got him.</p>
<p>	"I really do have a piano." He clarifies, "And we had a good time."<br/>	"I get the feeling there is a 'but.'" Judit sits on the edge of the desk with her arms crossed.<br/>	"But...I'm having a hard time getting through to him. He's not getting it."<br/>	"...not getting it? What did you tell him, exactly?"<br/>	"I told him I want to spend more time with him...that he can come over whenever he wants to play the piano." Jean sighs. "But he thinks that I only invited him out to make up for being an asshole. It's like he didn't believe me." <br/>	Judit taps her chin in thought.<br/>	"You might need to be really direct with this one. It sounds like hints aren't working." She says with a shrug.<br/>	"But what if he does know? What if he's just *playing dumb* so I give up? Because he's not interested? I'll sound stupid if I keep pushing." Jean sounds slightly more aggravated. <br/>	"...Kim seems like a pretty direct person. I don't think he'd dance around something like this." Judit says, keeping her voice low.</p>
<p>	Jean nods slowly. Maybe she's right.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0006"><h2>6. Chapter 6</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>Jean and Kim have a difficult conversation.</p>
          </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Every day of the week was Jean waiting for Saturday. His life was on hold until then, he couldn't focus on anything else. He caught Kim during another smoke break and worked out the details of him coming for dinner. </p>
<p>	Then, it was finally Saturday. Jean cleaned his apartment thoroughly, not because it was dirty, but because his anxiety was eating him alive. He decided on a chicken and vegetable dish for dinner. His stomach was obliterated from nerves, so it was hard to imagine eating anything more than that. He picked up a bottle of wine, and wondered if Kim would even drink it. </p>
<p>	Kim arrives right at 6pm, as they had planned. They eat dinner out on Jean's balcony, on cushioned outdoor chairs and a glass table. They both had wine with dinner. </p>
<p>	Jean's view was not a spectacular one, but it was interesting enough. One could see across to another apartment complex, as well as look up the street where there were neon signs and a few dilapadated buildings. He spends a lot of nights quietly on his balcony with a tumbler of scotch, watching the lights from the motor carriages below.</p>
<p>	They smoke after dinner. Jean is trying not to stare at Kim again, but the wine is making him care less about it. Kim's legs are crossed at the ankles and he's gazing out at nothing in particular, cigarette in hand. The moon is their lighting tonight, combined with some ambient glowing from the street. Jean is admiring Kim's physique, and the button up shirt he's wearing so well. He imagines unbuttoning that shirt hastily, right there where Kim sits in the cushioned seat so comfortably. He wonders how soft and warm his lips would feel in contrast to the brisk night air. </p>
<p>	After a second glass of wine, Jean is feeling warm and relaxed. He asks Kim if he wants to go inside and play the piano. He accepts with a smile as he snubs out his cigarette. </p>
<p>	Kim sits down to play first. He scoots to one side, as Jean had done for him. Jean wonders if this is significant, being invited to sit beside him. He has so many urges to put a hand on his thigh, or lean closer to him, but he resists. Not yet.</p>
<p>	"I thought of one yesterday that I wanted to play for you." Kim says calmly.</p>
<p>	Jean's heart fluttered. The way he said that, "I wanted to play for you." </p>
<p>	Kim starts to play, his fingers gliding over the keys. The melody is soft and sweet and light. Jean is in awe of him. It sounds so beautiful. Did he really pick this just for me? He feels unworthy of such a dedication.<br/>	When he's finished, Jean's heart feels so full. </p>
<p>	"God, Kim. That was beautiful." He says sincerely. <br/>	Kim freezes, his face and ears become flushed. "Oh stop." He laughs. <br/>	"No, I mean it. I really enjoyed that." Jean gives Kim's shoulder a gentle squeeze before he can stop himself. <br/>	"Well, thank you. I'm sure you're infinitely more practiced than I am though." Kim has a hard time taking the compliment. It seems to have embarrassed him.<br/>	"Hm, sure. That makes it more impressive though, that you're so good. You haven't even practiced." Jean responds smoothly, playfully. "Here, I have one for you now."<br/>	Jean plays an old favorite, one that he could play in his sleep. An emotional piece, but not as sad as the one he played before. He can feel Kim's eyes following his hands. He truly hopes that his playing is not intimidating. He wants Kim to keep playing for him.</p>
<p>	  When he's finished, Kim wastes no time praising him.</p>
<p>	"You continue to amaze me with that." Kim says, "It's like I see a different part of you when you play, Jean."<br/>        "Oh yeah? What do you mean?" Jean laughs. Now he's the one who's embarrassed. <br/>	"I mean there is more to you than you let on. It's obvious when you play." Kim's eyes gaze into Jean's. "I don't mean anything by that. I like it."</p>
<p>	Jean felt like Kim was seeing right through him, seeing a part of him he keeps hidden. It makes him feel exposed and it's frightening, and also exhilarating. </p>
<p>	"Well, uh, thanks I guess." He grins and rubs the back of his neck. If it wasn't for the wine he would be shaking like a leaf.<br/>	Kim looks down at the keys again. He hesitates. "I have to admit, that's a hard act to follow." <br/>	"Please play another one, Kim." Jean asks gently. <br/>	"Alright...one more. Since you asked so nicely." Kim grins and shoots him a side-glance. </p>
<p>	Jean feels his stomach doing gymnastics. Is he being flirtatious? Kim is so hard to read.</p>
<p>	Kim's hands flutter across the keys. It's another soft melody, a little slower than the last. Jean is enamored by Kim's look of concentration. <br/>	The music is touching Jean deeply. It's a sensitive, tender song. Is this Kim's way of showing a hidden part of *him*self?  </p>
<p>	Jean marvels at this complex creature in his apartment.</p>
<p>	Feeling bold, Jean rests his hand on Kim's thigh. He leans in close and presses his lips gently on Kim's neck. He inhales deeply. </p>
<p>	Kim becomes rigid. The music comes to an abrupt stop. </p>
<p>	Jean leans in closer and buries his face carefully in Kim's warm neck. </p>
<p>	"Please keep playing." He whispers.</p>
<p>	After a moment has passed, Kim relaxes his shoulders. Then Jean can hear the music resume. The song elegantly concludes and Jean lifts his head to look at Kim.</p>
<p>	Kim's eyes meet Jean's and the world stops. </p>
<p>	He goes for it. Hand still holding Kim's thigh, Jean leans in and kisses his lips softly. Then he places a hand on Kim's face and slowly pulls away.</p>
<p>	Kim's eyes look into his with a bewildered fondness. Stunned, but quite receptive. His gazes lowers to Jean's lips and they kiss a second time. It's every bit as sweet as the first.</p>
<p>	 Their bodies turn towards one another, mouths moving slowly. Jean has swung one leg around so he is straddling the piano bench. He grabs Kim eagerly around his waist and pulls him closer.<br/>	When the kiss breaks, Kim's expression has changed. He looks apologetic.</p>
<p>	"I can't do this." Kim says gently. "I keep my personal life separate from work."<br/>	"I....what?" Jean is taken aback, "But..."<br/>	"I'm sorry." Kim looks away. He really does look sorry. <br/>	"Why? Why not?" Jean's voice cracks. "You know there aren't any rules against it.."<br/>	"I'm a very private person, Jean. Things can get messy when you start sleeping with colleagues." Kim explains calmly, "That simply isn't my style. It's nothing personal."</p>
<p>	Jean feels something inside of him die. How can he be so detached from this? </p>
<p>	"I don't want to just sleep with you." Jean's voice trembles. "If you don't feel anything towards me, then just say it. Don't give me some bullshit about work."</p>
<p>	This wounds Kim visibly. "It's not bullshit. That is a real concern for me." </p>
<p>	Jean stands and walks a few steps away. He's breathing heavily to force back the tears. </p>
<p>	"What if we didn't work together? What if I quit the RCM tomorrow? Would you keep acting like a robot about this?" Jean's voice is low and gruff. He turns back around to face Kim, his hands clenched into shaky fists. "I thought maybe we were both feeling something here, but it was just me. I must be crazy."</p>
<p>	Kim has his arms crossed around his abdomen, hugging himself. His eyes gaze at the floor sadly. </p>
<p>	"Jean, please, it's not that." Kim starts cautiously, "I know I'm...*reserved* with my emotions. And I know that it's frustrating. You're not the first to make me aware of that."<br/>         Kim fidgets with his hands. There's a pause while he thinks. <br/>	"I definitely feel something. I've felt something since I was here with you before." Kim says quietly. "But, I don't take this sort of thing lightly, Jean. To let someone get that close to me, and then see me with everyone at the office the next day...its...inappropriate." Kim looks incredibly uncomfortable.</p>
<p>	When Jean still looks confused, he sighs and continues.</p>
<p>	"I'm saying...its hard to have a professional relationship with someone you've seen naked, Jean. It's hard to respect them in the same way." He clears his throat. His face has reddened. </p>
<p>	Jean approaches and sits beside him, their backs to the piano. </p>
<p>	"Kim...are you worried I would think less of you if we...?"</p>
<p>	"More or less." Kim says with a half-hearted shrug. "I don't want someone I work with to know me in that way. It would be embarrassing for me. Undignified."</p>
<p>	Jean nods, listening patiently to everything he says. </p>
<p>	"I know where you're coming from." Jean starts, "You might have noticed, but I'm not the greatest at handling my feelings with people. It's different from what you do, but the outcome is the same. I keep everyone at an arm's length." Jean rubs his arm anxiously. "I got tired of people letting me down. I decided not to let them anymore. Harry was the only one who ever got me. I know that sounds juvenile, but that's really how it is."<br/>	They sit in silence. <br/>	"It sounds like you're a private person too." Kim says with a sad smile.<br/>	"Yeah, you could say that." Jean grins back humorlessly.<br/>	Kim looks away, the smile fading.<br/>	"Look...Kim. I would never think less of you, no matter what I've seen of you. I respect you completely, and I respect your privacy. If we were to do anything like *that* together, that would be sacred to me. I would never tell anyone *shit* about you, even small things, if you don't want those things known. And I'll tell anyone who asks to fuck off." Jean speaks slowly, thoughts coming out in waves. "If the answer is still no, I won't keep trying to convince you. But I need you to know that I understand, and that it goes both ways. You'd be seeing more of me than most do. I'm just as scared as you are...but I like you too much to care."<br/>	Jean stares at down at his feet. He's shocked when he feels a smaller hand curl around his and hold it firmly. He locks eyes with a tearful, but elated Kim.<br/>	"Okay." Kim says quietly.<br/>	"...Okay?" Jean repeats stupidly. He glances down disbelievingly at the hand on his. <br/>	"Mhm." Kim nods.<br/>	"Oh. Holy shit."  Jean's face lights up and he bursts out in relieved laughter. He wraps his arms around Kim and hugs him tightly. Kim stiffens at first, and then sinks into his arms. They sit like that together, enjoying the closeness for a time.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0007"><h2>7. Chapter 7</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>Kim and Jean make beautiful music together.</p>
          </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>The night picks back up after that. They finish the bottle of wine and talk for hours. Jean has never felt so happy. He still feels unworthy of Kim's affections, the way he touches Jean's knee when he laughs, or when he leans back into Jean's arms on the sofa and rests his head on Jean's chest.</p><p>Kim lifts his head and says softly, "It's late, I should get home." He slowly sits up and looks at Jean.<br/>"No, you shouldn't. It's cold out now." Jean purrs, pressing his mouth on Kim's neck, "My bed is warm, <em>mon petit chou</em>."<br/>This elicits an amused hum from Kim, which escalates to soft giggling as Jean keeps kissing his neck.<br/>"Do you really want me to stay?" Kim asks innocently, as if Jean possibly isn't serious.<br/>"Of course!" Jean laughs.<br/>"I'll stay." Kim says, a subtle smile on his lips.<br/>"Should we call it a night?" Jean asks, his expression bright and warm. Kim's smile lights up his whole world.<br/>"Mmm...mhm." Kim says, stretching his arms above his head, exposing his midriff for a second.</p><p>Now, Jean has only ever been with women. He knows that from here on out his activities with Kim will be uncharted territory. He talks a big game, but his smoothness is from years of dating women. He hopes the same handling translates well to a man. He doesn't want Kim to feel immasculated by being treated too delicately. So far he doesn't seem to mind Jean's charm.</p><p>Jean's bed is nicely made and his room is orderly. He unbuttons his shirt and drops it into his hamper, and then does the same with his pants. Kim looks apprehensive at first about getting undressed. When Jean is down to his briefs and socks, Kim seems to reach some sort of resolve and unbuttons his shirt as well. Jean pulls the blankets back and climbs into bed, purposefully not staring at Kim. He finds Kim's shyness unbearably cute.</p><p>Soon, Kim's attire matches Jean's and he slides himself under the sheets. Now Jean allows himself to stare. A big grin lights up his face, and he kisses Kim on the lips. Kim kisses back, a little more sensually than he had earlier in the evening.</p><p>Wishing to respect Kim's boundaries Jean had decided against trying to initiate intimacy tonight. Kim has been fickle with physical affection throughout the evening, sometimes welcoming it and other times shying away. Jean is guessing he needs more time and he's more than happy to wait. Anything to make Kim feel comfortable and relaxed with him.</p><p>When the kiss is broken, Jean reaches over and clicks off his lamp on the nightstand.</p><p>"Um, Jean. Could you put my glasses...?"<br/>"Yes, yes, here." Jean held out his open hand and brushed it against Kim's shoulder so he knew where to drop them. Once they were in his palm, he gingerly set the glasses on the nightstand. Being entrusted with such a task made him feel like a knight.<br/>Kim inches closer, the bed creaking slightly. Jean very hesitantly drapes an arm around him. Jean feels a hand on his face, followed by warm lips finding his mouth in the dark. Kim initiating the kiss feels incredibly special and it makes Jean's heart flutter in his chest. He kisses back eagerly.</p><p>In an instant, Kim is on top of him, straddling him, kissing him more and more. Jean is stunned for a moment. He holds Kim by the hips. Kim hums, and latches onto Jean's neck. He doesn't bite hard, but he seems to delight in it startling him.</p><p>Jean chuckles dangerously, not ready to let Kim get the better of him. He swiftly dethrones Kim and pins him. Kim protests playfully and tries to wiggle away to no avail. Jean quiets him with more gentle kissing.</p><p>Kim slowly pushes his hips into Jean's, making his hardness known. Jean hums a laugh while his mouth moves in Kim's.</p><p>"Oh yeah?" Jean asks in a sultry voice.<br/>Kim responds with another hip grind, pressing a little harder.</p><p>Jean settles himself in between his legs, spreading them further apart. He thrusts towards Kim slowly, tasting his neck and chest. Jean is trying to decide what he should do next exactly, but trying not to make it obvious.</p><p>"Have you ever made love to a man, Jean?" Kim asks in his ear, the most beautiful sentence ever spoken.<br/>"No, but I was thinking I'd try it." Jean answers quickly, his grin hidden in the dark. He feels Kim through his briefs. Kim inhales sharply and turns his head. His coy approach was driving Jean wild.<br/>"Take them off." Jean growls in his ear. He can feel Kim trembling in excitement under him. Kim wordlessly tugs his briefs off.</p><p>After removing his own briefs. Jean slides his nightstand drawer open and feels around for the lubricant. Once acquired, he applies some to his fingertips. Kim's knees are bent with his hips turned upward. An offering.</p><p>Jean slides his hand between Kim's cheeks. He pushes his tongue into Kim's mouth just as he inserts two slick fingers. Kim's whimpers are muted by Jean's mouth on his. Jean works his fingers steadily. Kim makes slight, breathy noises. The occasional moan escapes, but he keeps his mouth closed. It's evident that he is self-conscious.</p><p>He cleans his hand with a tissue and applies lubricant to himself. He lowers himself onto Kim, opening Kim's legs with his knees. Kim instinctively moves towards him. Jean guides himself with one hand, pressing against Kim.</p><p>"Are you ready?" Jean's voice is tender and sweet. It's not a rhetorical question, he would stop at a moment's notice if Kim wanted him to.<br/>"Yes." Kim whispers back. He has one hand on Jean's back and the other he pushes through Jean's hair and then stops at the nape of his neck.</p><p>In one motion, Jean is all the way inside. He holds it there, at the deepest point. The closest to Kim he could possibly be. His warm tightness is pure bliss.</p><p>Kim's hands grip him tightly, his back arching, and he's moaning into his neck. Jean feels unbearable tingling in his stomach. Kim is so precious. So vulnerable. He wants to tell Kim he's in love.</p><p>He monitors Kim attentively as he makes slow, conscientious thrusts. He is enamored by Kim's noises. The moans are effeminate and sweet.</p><p>Laying the charm on thick once again, Jean purrs in his ear "Your sounds are so beautiful. Let me hear more."</p><p>Jean thrusts faster. Kim moans loudly and covers his face with his arm. Jean snatches his arm away and pins it above his head.</p><p>Jean nips at his neck and begins to stroke him, keeping rythm with his thrusts. Kim makes an unexpected squealing sound and writhes. It takes every ounce of willpower for Jean to not finish right then and there.</p><p>Kim's whines are building in intensity and his hips are shaking. Jean keeps his pace steady, knowing it won't be long now.</p><p>"God, you feel amazing." Jean says in his ear and bites down hard on his neck.</p><p>Kim is helplessly pushed over the edge. He cries out into the room and digs his nails into Jean's back. Jean can feel his tightness contracting and he can't hold back anymore. He pumps into Kim like an animal, holding him down and groaning loudly. His climax is explosive, waves of pleasure coursing through him. He slows to a stop and drops onto Kim, panting.</p><p>He takes special care pulling out knowing that Kim might be sore. Then he stands up and flips the light on in the bathroom. It brightens the room a few shades and Jean can finally see all of Kim. He admires Kim's form, slender and toned. What is he trying to hide?</p><p>"You first." Jean offers. Kim will want privacy. Showering together is out of the question.<br/>Once they have both cleaned up, they are back in bed. Jean had changed the sheets while Kim showered.<br/>The lights are out now and Jean is curled up to Kim, who works his fingers through Jean's hair affectionately.</p><p>"Do you feel okay? I didn't hurt you?" Jean breaks the silence.<br/>"I feel wonderful." Kim answers simply. Jean can tell he's smiling.<br/>"Good. That's how I want to make you feel." Jean says, rather romantically. It feels strange hearing himself say that, but he means it.</p><p>Kim acknowledges with an uncomfortable hum. Jean can tell that he's embarrassed him again. He lifts his head and kisses Kim reassuringly. Then he lays his head back down and curls up to him tighter.</p><p>Rather than a peaceful stupor, Jean's mind is abuzz. People don't change overnight, Jean thinks. I've had to do so much changing in order to be who Kim needs me to be. One day I'll crack and he'll see the old ugly Jean peeking through. Will he able to accept that? That sometimes I'm spiteful and disagreeable and impossible? He has to know that already...he's seen the way I am. He can't think that's all gone for good. But I'll try goddamnit. I'll try for him.</p><p>And if I can try for him, Jean's train of thought chugs away, maybe I can try for everyone. Everyone who deserves it, anyway. Like Judit. Hell, I wouldn't be in this bed with Kim right now if it wasn't for her. And...maybe...I don't know. Maybe even Harry. There still might be something there. Maybe if I spend more time with him it'll make him remember me. It turns out nice things can happen for me when I'm not a total shithead.</p><p>Jean knows this is only the beginning with Kim. He has much more trust to earn, more insecurities to quiet, more shame to kiss away. But he will strive to make Kim feel safe and understood, no matter how long it takes. He's been entrusted with something precious and he refuses to fuck it up.<br/>As sleep draws nearer, Jean vows to protect him, his dignity, and his feelings always.</p>
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